02.16.10
Missing Mama
> I’m so sorry that I haven’t written in such a long time. My Mama made her transition on Jan. 22. I miss her terribly, and I know that when I go back and read these postings, I will miss her even more. However, I would like to share some of my truths: She WAS 94 years old. That’s a good, long life. She was NOT having a great time this last year or so. She IS now free of a mind and a body that were no longer serving her….and I know with all of my heart and soul that she and my Dad are together, and that they are on a great, new adventure. I feel them both around me quite often. I talk to them all of the time.
I also know that moving her into the dementia care unit was part of MY process of letting her go. Had we gone directly from the 50 phone calls a day, starting at 5am…..from those days when I was her everything…every thought….when I was truly HER Mama….this would be much too painful.
So….I had 4 months to lessen the bonds….to begin to let her go. I still saw her several times a week, talked to her most days on the phone, took her out one final shoe shopping trek. Actually, I can’t bear to give those shoes away now. We FINALLY got her a pair of orthotics that worked and didn’t hurt (after several trips back and adjustments made) and then FINALLY found a pair of shoes that they would work in (after several trips back and the brilliant shoe guy figuring out how to lace said shoes to avoid her problem spots)…and she wore them for 3 weeks. I’m considering framing them.
Let me tell you how much I wish that Abe’s Garden had been built, and that Mama could have been there. When I would go and do a musical program for Mama and her new co-residents…I could SEE the difference in her dementia, and that of the other ladies. Mama understood every word…she felt every emotion…she made insightful comments…and 90% of the other residents were just not present…it was like there was nobody home behind their eyes. I would have liked to know WHY…I would have loved for some brilliant researcher to explain to me what was going on inside of Mama’s brain….and inside of their brains.
I don’t mean to belittle the care she got these last 4 months…they were lovely people, and she was so much more relaxed than she had been at her assisted living place. So the ratio of help to resident was much better, and that made a huge difference. The small size of the wing was perfect. She wasn’t getting lost in the building, or not leaving her chair for fear of getting lost. It’s just that our choices now…our alternatives…and remember, she was 15 months from having no more money…they just aren’t that great.
We asked for donations to Abe’s Garden in lieu of flowers…and I’m thrilled to report that many of our friends and family did donate. AND, I will continue to show up whenever they ask me to come and help raise funds. Abe’s Garden is going to change the way Alzheimers and dementia victims are cared for….and it’s going to be a shining beacon & model for others to follow. I’ll be there at the ribbon cutting…may it be soon.
If you are still going through this with your loved one….oh my God…my heart is with you. This is the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do. Please find ways to take care of yourself. It’s so important that you do.
So…..this has been an amazing chapter in my life. It is with sadness, relief, and great expectation that I close this one…..and begin the next.
With gratitude,
Karen (Berke) Taylor-Good
Sandra and Jim Daniell said,
March 4, 2010 at 8:46 pm
Dear Karen;
Sandra and I wanted to let you know that it is a blessing for both you and your mom for her to pass on to a better spot than her last earthly “wayside stopping place” Reading your blog thoughts about your mom made us fondly (now after 16 months that is) recall the last days of Sandra’s mom’s earthly life. She would call many many times a day usually complaining about “where are you? I want to go to Talbots now as I need sweaters” “where is my credit card?” (we finally gave her an expired one to carry and she never caught on) Just yesterday Sandra was looking around in our big storage closet in our basement and noted some of her “old clothes” hanging there unworn with the Talbot tags still attached. When we moved her stuff out of Woodcrest at Blakeford after she passed, I counted 56 sweaters stuffed everywhere- mostly new.!!!! At least we were able to pass out a lot to needy people for last winter. (there are a few downstairs with odds and ends still to be sorted, divided by Sandra and her sister, or thrown away.
So, just take it one day at a time and remember you were blessed to have your mom for 94 years. Do you remember someone telling you that trite saying “you will only remember the good times or time heals all wounds”? It is actually is turning out to very true as we now laugh about all the strange little events that Shirley experienced as her brain faded out of sight and we now don’t seem to recall all our anger and frustration back then. I can even laugh about her short term memory loss now when is truth it almost drove me crazy when we were enduring that phase.
Now your mom is at peace and you can be that way soon. We have been there and done that so just hang on. Sandra and I are busy trying to help organize the awareness slide show that will be used by the speakers group who later this year will go out to talk about the good news coming with AG. I hear that you are going to maybe be a speaker too. That is great!!
With sympathy and understanding;
Sandra and Jim Daniell