06.19.09
No Laughing Matter
I was giving a friend an overview of my last several days….Mama in tremendous pain, us not being able to figure out why…seeing an array of doctors….getting a pain med to help her which ended up putting her in the emergency room…..finally discovering a bowel impaction, after she received the knock-out juice for the sigmoidoscopy which they could NOT perform because of the bowel impaction….which if the DOCTOR had talked with the NURSES who tried to give her an enema but couldn’t, he would have known that he wouldn’t be able to get his scope up there, either, and she wouldn’t have gotten the UNNECESSARY anesthesia. Trust me….a 93 year old person with dementia does NOT need anesthesia…especially when there was no need for it in the first place.
ANGRY? yes, I am. FRUSTRATED, yes I am. The good news is….Mama is back to her “normal” confusion. The bad news was….two days ago, she thought I was her HUSBAND. I was helping her put her bra on in the hospital, getting ready to take her home, and I said “I wonder what it’s like to have big boobs? I guess I’ll never know!” And she laughed and said…”Well, MEN don’t have boobs, silly!”
Woah. That was followed by 7 hours of endless, Groundhog Day questions….she asked where my Daddy was about 25 times….my Daddy who has been dead for 4 years….and I was stupid enough to tell her that he was dead, over and over and over again….instead of saying…”well….he’s over at Bonnie’s” or “he’s out of town”. I’ll never do that again.
At any rate, I was telling my friend about the bra story….my friend whose parents are quite young and quite healthy and living in Texas….my friend who has no children and is about to travel the world with her new love….my friend who has not one care or responsibility in the world….and she started LAUGHING….uproariously. I was speechless. Then I got a lecture on how I was allowed to have a sense of humor through all of this, and come on, it was pretty funny, right?
I’d have to say….no. My precious husband cried with me when I told him that Mama thought I was her husband. My best friend who Mama-sits often cried with me. If YOU are going through this and we share a hug or some tears, perhaps we might find a small chuckle, together. But if you’re not in this club, the one that we so wish we weren’t members of, please know that this is really no laughing matter.
Christy Fischer said,
June 25, 2009 at 5:20 pm
Karen,
My mom had alzheimers. I played your music at her memorial service. (We met at Mile Hi Church in Denver, but quite a while ago.) Anyway, your story about the bras and boobs reminded me of a mom story. For a while she was in a private home with a lady who took very good care of her. The lady told me of a day when mom came down the hallway (after “getting dressed” first thing in the morning) with a bra around her thighs, a bra around her waist, and one sort of over one shoulder (and nothing else). I was horrified, but the caretaker was chuckling and said “you have to find something to laugh about or you’ll go crazy with the sadness.” I am not in any way suggesting that your unnecessary hospital visit and whole experience described was something to laugh about. It was not. (I had one hospital visit where mom had to have a catheter in for a while; gee that wasn’t fun. She finally just pulled it out and fought so hard they had to drug her to settle her down.)
But now (she passed in 2002) I can have a terrible day and think, oh, it’s only a 3-bra day or a 5-bra day and find a smile (10-bra days don’t get a smile). Mom hit me several times and called me names–or rather the disease did. There is nothing funny about that either. My heart goes out to you. This disease just plain sucks!! Take care of yourself too! Love, Christy
Wendy said,
June 25, 2009 at 9:48 pm
Wendy said,
June 25, 2009 at 5:55 pm
Karen,
Our “Momma” has now been in a facility for about 1.5 years. It was hard to get all my brothers and sisters on the “same page” about Mother needing to be in a secure facility. But she had already been scammed out of over $40,000 (taxes for her Cost Rican lottery winnings!).. they bilked her out of a few thousand over time. After we got her car keys from her (another saga), she began hitch hiking and taking rides with strangers.
It has been a long hard journey. One that has divided up my brothers from my sister and I. But a few things have been constant reminders along the way. FIRST, I have sent the words to “On Angels Wings” which I first heard you perform at Unity of Dallas a few years ago, to the caretakers at the two facilities Mom has been in. Also to my Sister, who has had the biggest brunt of this process on her, since she lives in Maryland and Mother’s house was in Pennsylvania. The SECOND thing I remember, is we are blessed. Mother is Safe, well fed, and secure. Safe unlike my girlfriend who is on the National Board of Emergency Room Physicians, whose Mother was found in her California home at the age of 86, raped, robbed, and murdered. Our Mother is not at the bottom of the steps at her house, helpless, hurt and alone. She is not in a snowbank in Allentown on the side of the road. She is SAFE! She has a wonderful little path that goes around the facility. She visits the 4 “neighborhoods” in the facility that she lives in, Ironically enough, my mother’s name is Ann, and her neighborhood happens to be called the “Queen Ann” neighborhood! We convince her the upper dentures that she wears WILL come out.. and my sister gets her mouth cleaned, even when Mom is calling her “Daddy” or “Sister” or asking her when she is going to get married, or telling her stories of how she had to take the other girls all over town that day (of course, in reality she never left the unit).
It is only hard for us to see this transformation. It is not hard for them, unless we try to “straighten out” their world, which is just fine the way it is!
A book called ” Talking to Alzheimer’s: Simple Ways to Connect When You Visit with a Family Member or Friend by Claudia J. Strauss ” was given to me by some staff people when I first visited mom. I had to go to Pennsylvania to clean out her 3 story house in January & February when a pipe broke. Mom was a chronic horder. There were some rooms that you could not even enter. Giving away her beautiful clothes from the past and all those shoes was hard. Sorting thru the 8 vacuum cleaners was not.
This is a journey and although you may feel sometimes that you wish it was not occuring, it is THEIR path, and God’s in charge. Mother is on Heaven’s path, and her load is indeed lightening so she can “Fly on Angel’s Wings”. I am thankful her body is not riddled with cancer, and her pain is minimal.
I Love your beautiful songs, I too, empathize with your frustrations, & encourage you to relish in these moments you can share with her, even when she is not where you might want her to be. She is loved, and she is safe. Besides, she can hide her own Easter Eggs! (Faith & Funny, my two favorite things!) Love & Peace, Wendy
Karen said,
December 1, 2009 at 4:29 am
Thank you so much for your comment Wendy….and for loving my songs.
I wish you lived next door. I could use a girlfriend like you.
xxx
KTG