02.16.09
Posted in Alzheimer's at 6:35 pm by Karen
Well…..I thought I would try this out of town trip differently. What I’ve been doing is….lying. I’ve called my Mom from airports, and I’m nervously covering up the mouthpiece as they BLARE the outgoing flight information and I’m telling her that I’m in Nashville, in a studio downtown, recording.
But she gets so agitated when I’m gone. A therapist told me that lying to our Alzheimer’s/dementia loved ones is quite common….even has a name….”therapeutic lying”. However, we’re going to be gone for 2 1/2 weeks this time. I decided to call upon my Mama’s strength….her strong sense of “mothering” that kicks in when I’m sick. Yesterday, we had a long talk about how I’ll be leaving, in 5 days, for a rather long trip, and that I really needed her to be strong….to not fall apart….to support me in going, because that’s how I earn my living, and we really need the income right now….that her assisted living staff was there 24/7, that I had a slew of friends and family on board to call her, go visit her, etc. etc.
She was GREAT. In that moment, she was truly the Molly Berke of old. “Of course you have to go. Of course I suppport you. I’ll be fine.”
And of course, 10 minutes later, it all turned to panic. “You’re leaving TOMORROW? You’ll be gone for HOW LONG?” And no matter how many times I’ve told her in the last 18 hours that I”m not leaving for 5 more days, she’s convinced that I’ve left already, and she’s horribly sad.
I keep wanting her to be who she WAS, and I want to have a strong, secure Mama who can add to MY peace of mind by assuring me that she’ll be fine without me. And it just ain’t so, and it ain’t gonna happen…….and THAT’S the TRUTH. But Truth need not be told, in Dementia-land.
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02.10.09
Posted in Alzheimer's at 6:00 am by Karen
OK, I admit, I made myself a teeny weeny drink, even though it was only 12:00 noon. I don’t drink much, really I don’t….but taking my Mama shoe shopping would test the patience and sobriety of a saint, I swear.
First of all….we need to have these little pre-printed cards to hand people….like salespeople…and new doctors, nurses, etc. The cards would say….”This lovely elderly woman is going to seem to you like a perfectly ‘normal’, sharp lady….for a while. Do not be fooled. It’s gonna get really crazy. You really need to ask HER the questions, or she’ll get mad….but then allow ME to answer all of the questions so you’ll get the true picture of what’s going on. Prepare to repeat yourself. Often.”
How are these shoes Mama? Awful. OK, how about these, pair #2? Terrible. But how about these Karen (she points to pair #1). Well, those were awful. What? I never tried them on! Back to pair #1. These are awful. But how about these…..pair #2? Uh…..you just tried them on and hated them.
What? I’ve never seen these! I’m going to try them on!!
And this happens over and over and over….inbetween our trips to the bathroom because Mama’s getting very nervous…..Wait Karen….what about these? Heels? Mama, you don’t wear heels!
Well I most certainly DO! Dear God….bring on the whiskey!!
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02.04.09
Posted in Alzheimer's at 4:24 pm by Karen
Can you imagine waking up in the morning and not knowing what the hell was going on? Wondering how you pay your rent? Worrying that “they are going to come in and kick you out”. Holy cow.
My poor sweet Mama. So many mornings she’s lost like this. This morning she called me (she said the only thing she remembered was my phone number) and said “why am I not still working somewhere?”
I said….because you’re 93 years old and you don’t have to. “I am? That old?”
I promised her that if she would push her “help” button, the sweet people down the hall would come in and help her, and that she gets her hair done this morning, and that by 9:00 she would not remember making this call. “Yes I will” she said. No she won’t. And that’s the blessing. However, I WILL remember the call….all day long. It will sit deep in my gut, coloring everything that I do today. And all the therapy in the world….all the mental exercises….”put up a boundary” “encase yourself in a pink bubble” “You can’t fix her…you’re not that powerful”…..and all of that is great, and it’s wonderful advice and I will still have this call, and every other one she’s made, sitting in my gut, and in my brain, and in my heart.
Please find a cure for this….it’s such a horrible disease.
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