12.30.08
Posted in Alzheimer's/Dementia Diary at 7:48 pm by Karen
Yesterday was a bad day. Mama called at 7:10 am, and was very upset. “You HAVE to get over here….NOW!!” Why Mama? What’s going on? Please push your “necklace” and they’ll come running from the nurse’s station to help you. “DON’T go to the gym…..I’m more important than the gym” But Mama….this is a work day for me….it went on and on….turns out there was a sweet aide in the room while she was calling and ranting. She later told me that she has “panic attacks” in the morning, and she actually apologized. I was amazed that she remembered, AND that she apologized. When I told her, mid-rant, that she would never call my sister and insist that she give up HER work to come over, my Mama replied “Bonnie doesn’t give a s…t about me”. How does one respond to that? The fact that MY life and MY work consist of keeping my body in shape, my voice in shape, writing songs….NONE of my family has ever considered this “work”….so of course, Karen has to be the one to take care of Mama…because “she doesn’t really work!”. AAARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!
I love my Mother….and I even like her (when she’s not ranting at me). We ended the day just fine yesterday, I brought here over to my house for dinner….I left her as she was getting ready for bed at her apartment. We hugged and kissed…she thanked me for being in her life. AND, I dread the morning calls…when she doesn’t know where she is, and she’s scared, and then scared and angry….or scared and depressed. I don’t know if there is such a thing as a “kind” disease, but THIS disease certainly seems like the most UNKIND one of all.
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12.28.08
Posted in Alzheimer's/Dementia Diary at 7:44 pm by Karen
Mama’s sitting right here beside me….she came over for lunch, and she’ll stay for several hours, until I take her back to her apartment at the Assisted Living facility. I prayed for patience this morning, as I do every morning, and especially on those days when I’ll see her, which is most days….unless I’m out of town on business. I see a whole month coming up before I have another trip.
This brings up a very heavy feeling. It’s only when I’m out of town that I lose the always-present sense of deep responsibililty I feel for her…for her happiness, for her health. I try to talk to myself about this…”Karen….you can’t change her….you can’t fix her…you never could…and she’s ALWAYS been a negative person…you surely can’t change that”…but it doesn’t do a lot of good. Her dementia adds a whole new dimension to the “care and feeding of Molly Berke”, and frankly, it’s just mind and soul-numbing. How do you deal with a person who cannot remember that you spent 4 hours with them, JUST the day before….and is feeling truly and honestly depressed and lonely, because “nobody ever comes to visit me, nobody cares”.
And so I pray….for patience…so that I don’t shout “Holy Crap Mother!!! What the f…are you talking about???” And trust me, that’s just what I want to do…I might feel better for about 3 seconds, and then I’ll feel like a monster for screaming, and for hurting her feelings. We’re doing great today. She’s always very happy being over here. So why don’t we just mover her in? That’s a subject for the next blog.
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