Sandra and I wanted to let you know that it is a blessing for both you and your mom for her to pass on to a better spot than her last earthly “wayside stopping place” Reading your blog thoughts about your mom made us fondly (now after 16 months that is) recall the last days of Sandra’s mom’s earthly life. She would call many many times a day usually complaining about “where are you? I want to go to Talbots now as I need sweaters” “where is my credit card?” (we finally gave her an expired one to carry and she never caught on) Just yesterday Sandra was looking around in our big storage closet in our basement and noted some of her “old clothes” hanging there unworn with the Talbot tags still attached. When we moved her stuff out of Woodcrest at Blakeford after she passed, I counted 56 sweaters stuffed everywhere- mostly new.!!!! At least we were able to pass out a lot to needy people for last winter. (there are a few downstairs with odds and ends still to be sorted, divided by Sandra and her sister, or thrown away.

So, just take it one day at a time and remember you were blessed to have your mom for 94 years. Do you remember someone telling you that trite saying “you will only remember the good times or time heals all wounds”? It is actually is turning out to very true as we now laugh about all the strange little events that Shirley experienced as her brain faded out of sight and we now don’t seem to recall all our anger and frustration back then. I can even laugh about her short term memory loss now when is truth it almost drove me crazy when we were enduring that phase.

Now your mom is at peace and you can be that way soon. We have been there and done that so just hang on. Sandra and I are busy trying to help organize the awareness slide show that will be used by the speakers group who later this year will go out to talk about the good news coming with AG. I hear that you are going to maybe be a speaker too. That is great!!

With sympathy and understanding;

Sandra and Jim Daniell

June 25, 2009 at 5:55 pm

Karen,
Our “Momma” has now been in a facility for about 1.5 years. It was hard to get all my brothers and sisters on the “same page” about Mother needing to be in a secure facility. But she had already been scammed out of over $40,000 (taxes for her Cost Rican lottery winnings!).. they bilked her out of a few thousand over time. After we got her car keys from her (another saga), she began hitch hiking and taking rides with strangers.

It has been a long hard journey. One that has divided up my brothers from my sister and I. But a few things have been constant reminders along the way. FIRST, I have sent the words to “On Angels Wings” which I first heard you perform at Unity of Dallas a few years ago, to the caretakers at the two facilities Mom has been in. Also to my Sister, who has had the biggest brunt of this process on her, since she lives in Maryland and Mother’s house was in Pennsylvania. The SECOND thing I remember, is we are blessed. Mother is Safe, well fed, and secure. Safe unlike my girlfriend who is on the National Board of Emergency Room Physicians, whose Mother was found in her California home at the age of 86, raped, robbed, and murdered. Our Mother is not at the bottom of the steps at her house, helpless, hurt and alone. She is not in a snowbank in Allentown on the side of the road. She is SAFE! She has a wonderful little path that goes around the facility. She visits the 4 “neighborhoods” in the facility that she lives in, Ironically enough, my mother’s name is Ann, and her neighborhood happens to be called the “Queen Ann” neighborhood! We convince her the upper dentures that she wears WILL come out.. and my sister gets her mouth cleaned, even when Mom is calling her “Daddy” or “Sister” or asking her when she is going to get married, or telling her stories of how she had to take the other girls all over town that day (of course, in reality she never left the unit).
It is only hard for us to see this transformation. It is not hard for them, unless we try to “straighten out” their world, which is just fine the way it is!
A book called ” Talking to Alzheimer’s: Simple Ways to Connect When You Visit with a Family Member or Friend by Claudia J. Strauss ” was given to me by some staff people when I first visited mom. I had to go to Pennsylvania to clean out her 3 story house in January & February when a pipe broke. Mom was a chronic horder. There were some rooms that you could not even enter. Giving away her beautiful clothes from the past and all those shoes was hard. Sorting thru the 8 vacuum cleaners was not.
This is a journey and although you may feel sometimes that you wish it was not occuring, it is THEIR path, and God’s in charge. Mother is on Heaven’s path, and her load is indeed lightening so she can “Fly on Angel’s Wings”. I am thankful her body is not riddled with cancer, and her pain is minimal.
I Love your beautiful songs, I too, empathize with your frustrations, & encourage you to relish in these moments you can share with her, even when she is not where you might want her to be. She is loved, and she is safe. Besides, she can hide her own Easter Eggs! (Faith & Funny, my two favorite things!) Love & Peace, Wendy

But now (she passed in 2002) I can have a terrible day and think, oh, it’s only a 3-bra day or a 5-bra day and find a smile (10-bra days don’t get a smile). Mom hit me several times and called me names–or rather the disease did. There is nothing funny about that either. My heart goes out to you. This disease just plain sucks!! Take care of yourself too! Love, Christy

Bob Tell, Author
Dementia Diary, A Caregiver’s Journal
http://www.dementia-diary.com
http://caregiverchronicle.blogspot.com/

I guess all of this is to say that you are not alone, at least not totally. I also think that independent of any dementia, our generation of women in general has a particularly difficult set of issues with our mothers. My daughters assure me that our relationship is very different, but I worry about the future – I don’t want their eyes to twirl.

I don’t see your mom early in the day, and I don’t get the phone calls when she is distressed, but I can assure you that virtually every time I have seen her, she has been enjoying herself and seems basically content and comfortable, with only mild expression of sadness over specific and very understandable things. She does remember coming to your house and tells me if she has been there. She also expresses understanding and acceptance of the disappointments she has experienced in other family relationships.

Like my sister with our mom, you are the one who gets the brunt of all the negative things your mom has to offer.

It could be coincidence or it could be b’shert, but I find my friendship with your mom very rich. In spite of her dementia, she is intellectually lively and emotionally discerning. When she occasionally gives me advice, it is right on target.

I hope you continue taking good care of yourself.

Karen is an angel, and UNFOUNDED guilt and DEMENTIA are the monsters. As I was reading, all I could think of is “How is she doing this with a full-time job, countless volunteer efforts, and a husband who I would guess likes a little quality time every now and then?” Karen, you are not the healthcare provider who should be diagnosing your Mama’s conditions and determining the treatment. You are the loving daughter only responsible for hugs and kisses, and perhaps the occasional bag of socks.