01.08.09
Posted in Alzheimer's/Dementia Diary at 4:26 am by Karen
So….yesterday, Mama called me EARLY in the morning. She was very upset. “Karen…I have no socks. You have to help me. Go buy me some socks. Please. I beg of you.” Well…I knew that she had two drawers FULL of socks, but I thought, what would it hurt…I’ll buy some white socks…all the same….I’ll get rid of the two drawers of old socks. I called Wal Mart, and they were open! I went, I felt, I pondered, I bought some nice white, soft socks. 10 pair. And then, just to be safe, I bought a different kind….a package of 6. I will be set now! If she doesn’t like the feel or fit of one kind, I’ll have the other!
I got over there….noticed that her toenails were rather long….I clipped and filed. Then, I opened package number one. On go the socks. They felt fine. Then, we try on her shoes…..the only pair she will wear now, although she has many, many pair in her closet. “They’re way too tight!” And they were rather snug. Well…maybe you should be wearing the knee high nylons that you always used to wear. (She has a drawer full of those, too) We try on the nylons, then the shoes….”Oh yes…this is perfect!” While she went to the bathroom, I grabbed two plastic bags and stuffed all of the old socks into them, and smuggled them out of the apartment. (She can’t stand to part with any of her “stuff”). Back to Wal Mart to return the socks. Back to my house with two full bags of socks for Goodwill.
Today, I go over to see Mama, and I notice….she has on a pair of old, grey SOCKS with her tennis shoes. “UH, Mama….why do you have on socks instead of your knee high hose?” “OH, I always wear socks….but I don’t have enough….will you buy me some?”
AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!! This is an absolutely frustrating disease.
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12.30.08
Posted in Alzheimer's/Dementia Diary at 7:48 pm by Karen
Yesterday was a bad day. Mama called at 7:10 am, and was very upset. “You HAVE to get over here….NOW!!” Why Mama? What’s going on? Please push your “necklace” and they’ll come running from the nurse’s station to help you. “DON’T go to the gym…..I’m more important than the gym” But Mama….this is a work day for me….it went on and on….turns out there was a sweet aide in the room while she was calling and ranting. She later told me that she has “panic attacks” in the morning, and she actually apologized. I was amazed that she remembered, AND that she apologized. When I told her, mid-rant, that she would never call my sister and insist that she give up HER work to come over, my Mama replied “Bonnie doesn’t give a s…t about me”. How does one respond to that? The fact that MY life and MY work consist of keeping my body in shape, my voice in shape, writing songs….NONE of my family has ever considered this “work”….so of course, Karen has to be the one to take care of Mama…because “she doesn’t really work!”. AAARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!
I love my Mother….and I even like her (when she’s not ranting at me). We ended the day just fine yesterday, I brought here over to my house for dinner….I left her as she was getting ready for bed at her apartment. We hugged and kissed…she thanked me for being in her life. AND, I dread the morning calls…when she doesn’t know where she is, and she’s scared, and then scared and angry….or scared and depressed. I don’t know if there is such a thing as a “kind” disease, but THIS disease certainly seems like the most UNKIND one of all.
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12.28.08
Posted in Alzheimer's/Dementia Diary at 7:44 pm by Karen
Mama’s sitting right here beside me….she came over for lunch, and she’ll stay for several hours, until I take her back to her apartment at the Assisted Living facility. I prayed for patience this morning, as I do every morning, and especially on those days when I’ll see her, which is most days….unless I’m out of town on business. I see a whole month coming up before I have another trip.
This brings up a very heavy feeling. It’s only when I’m out of town that I lose the always-present sense of deep responsibililty I feel for her…for her happiness, for her health. I try to talk to myself about this…”Karen….you can’t change her….you can’t fix her…you never could…and she’s ALWAYS been a negative person…you surely can’t change that”…but it doesn’t do a lot of good. Her dementia adds a whole new dimension to the “care and feeding of Molly Berke”, and frankly, it’s just mind and soul-numbing. How do you deal with a person who cannot remember that you spent 4 hours with them, JUST the day before….and is feeling truly and honestly depressed and lonely, because “nobody ever comes to visit me, nobody cares”.
And so I pray….for patience…so that I don’t shout “Holy Crap Mother!!! What the f…are you talking about???” And trust me, that’s just what I want to do…I might feel better for about 3 seconds, and then I’ll feel like a monster for screaming, and for hurting her feelings. We’re doing great today. She’s always very happy being over here. So why don’t we just mover her in? That’s a subject for the next blog.
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